Subject: "Desperation" (1/1) by Lisa
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 21:59:05 PDT

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Disclaimer: Once again, they're not mine and the world is probably
better off that way.

Category: A, UST
Rating: PG (see, mine aren't all R)
Archive: XPFRS, X-File Fan Fic List, Gossamer, ATXC. Others ask me.
Summary: Response to Challenge 9: What if Scully were awake
when Mulder came into her room in "Redux II." Hmm. . . well,
go ahead and read on and you'll see.

NOTE: This missing scene makes what Mulder said to Scully the
next morning about not having the heart to wake her null and void.
So just pretend the words never passed his lips.  Or, fast forward
on your tape those few seconds.  Hey, I know you've got it
taped. ;-)

Feedback: My 8-Ball says "Yes."  Are you going to argue with it?


by Lisa

   I awoke to the sound of a muffled, exhausted crying.  Opening my
eyes, I saw Mulder kneeling at my bedside, his head on my hand and
his face contorted as if he is in terrible pain.  He is.  The pain is
for me. Because of me.
   He looks up at me.  "I . . . I didn't mean to wake you. I
just . . ." his voice trails off.
   "It's all right."  I sat up and moved closer to my partner whom
I could still see despite the dim light of my hospital room.  But, I
knew he was very upset.  He didn't know the latest on my condition.
What I told my mom earlier in the day.  I *had* to tell him, too.
   "I'm sorry. .  it's not working.  The PET scans show no
improvement at all."  The tears were blurring my vision as I told him
this upsetting news.  It was the hardest thing to say to him.  It was
his greatest fear.
   Mulder sits on the edge of the bed.  I couldn't tell if he was
still crying or not until I hear the words come through sobs.
"I failed you.  I'm so sorry, Scully."
   "No, Mulder.  It's not your fault the chip isn't working.  The
cancer just isn't responding to any of the treatment, conventional
or otherwise. " I assure him.
   He reaches for my hand, squeezing it gently.  He looks down at
the bed, trying to hide the tears that I already knew were there.
"I wish . . ."
   Those two words stuck a chord within me.  I began to feel I wouldn't
recover from this at all.  I put my trust in science only to have it
betray me.  So, of course I was willing to try Mulder's idea of the
chip despite my family's insistence to the contrary.  They didn't
understand about our relationship.  How Mulder would go to any
lengths to help me.  To save me.  I now fear the worst. The unknown.
   "I'm so scared, Mulder."  I whisper.
   That was the last straw.  Mulder moves towards me and takes me
in his arms gently, for fear of hurting me.  I need more and clutch
at his back with my fists.  My face is pressed into his chest and the
tears are soaking his shirt and tie.  He murmurs something to me while
stroking my hair, but I am unable to make out the words.  His hands
make their way down to my back and caress the exposed skin between
the ties of the gown. They feel cool on my warm flesh.  I raise my head
only to notice we are both crying.  Mulder looks at me and brushes my
tears away with his hand.
   "I wish I could say something, anything that would take your
fear away."  The words were barely a whisper.
   It hurt me so much to see him like this.  He believed I was going
to die.  I shared this belief with him.  This is my last chance.
This *is* our last chance.  Our most desperate hour.
   I pull back the covers and scoot over towards Mulder. I reach out
to him, cradling his head against my chest and pressing my lips into
his hair.  Mulder's hands are gripping my waist as if I would
disappear; his strength the only thing keeping me here. Alive.  In a
way it was doing just that.  I feel his warm breath on my neck as he
lifts his head up.
   "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he whispers over and over in between
tender kisses on my cheeks and face.  God.  I could hardly breathe.
The softness.  The gentleness of his lips on my skin affect and
arouse me at the same time.  I feel the tears run down my face
again only to be stopped short by Mulder's lips. Part of me thinks
we shouldn't be doing this, but I choose to ignore that part right now.
My eyes are closed and my breathing becomes labored.  I was about
ready to ask him to stay.  I wanted him to keep doing this forever.
I wanted him to hold me all night.  Maybe he could chase away my
doubts by being here with me.  Just us. Together. This one and
only time.
   Mulder's mouth stops and he looks at me.  I can't read his
expression.  I feel hot.  My skin is probably flushed from the
kisses.  I look down at the bed shyly.  "I . . . still have a couple
more days of treatments. Maybe it will get better." I murmur
   He tilts my chin up with one hand.  "I should go.  Let you get
some sleep."
   No. No.  You can stay. That's what I want to say to him.  But  I
know he has to leave. He touches my face with both hands and
brushes away any tears that remain.  In the process, his thumb grazes
my still damp bottom lip accidentally. It sends a shiver down my
   Mulder gets up and stands at the side of my bed.  I reach for his
hand and he holds it, bringing it up to his lips once more.  I watch
him walk to the door.  Turning around, he looks at me before
shutting the door quietly behind him.
   I burrow into the covers to stifle my sobs.  I cry for help from
this disease.  For a miracle.  I cry for myself and my family.  But
mostly for the man I'm going to leave behind.


Yeah, yeah, I know it's angsty, but the scenes in the episode
demand it. - L.